Saturday, August 28, 2010

the real August 28th post

I am so angry. I’m so angry that I’m shaking. Why did I wait so long? Is this God telling me, “I told you that you should have finished this already.”? UGH! What does this mean for my purpose? I just left beautiful Martha’s Vineyard. I have returned calm, with a slight smile on my face. Going through the mail can make your world come crashing down in 3 minutes. I was flipping through the mail because I saw the corner of the YMCA catalog sticking out. I thought, “Oh good! I can schedule myself to take care of all those puffy areas I’ve been looking at all summer.” And the envelop that made all this optimism switch gears – the Ministry Training Network. I took one course a while back. It was on preaching. The teachers said I had a gift. It was a class that sent me further down the road of pouring out my purpose.

See, in a day and a half, I inhaled a 260 page book all about writing from your heart. This was the inspiration that only could have come at this time, found on the bookshelf of this Inn, with the only title that could possibly grab my attention. But now, I find in the MTN catalog of courses where I once found validation, I find the very course that is the vehicle for my purpose. Already written, ready to be taught to the imaginary people that I envisioned enlightening, by a Reverend Doctor no less! January through March. So then this cute voice from inside chimes in, “Take it.” And then the hunger of envy takes over screaming, “Are you kidding?”, with a definite NO! Inside I growl, I waited too long. I can only be mad at myself!

After penciling my thoughts frantically in a notebook, I start feeling a bit different. Actually a bit better. So now I settle down and think, “Why this interruption?” Maybe the reason is to spur me into doing just this – writing. This is the authenticity of documenting my purpose in life. Sharing it’s moments with people because my prayer has always been Psalm 25:4. And so even with this I pray the Psalm. Maybe this is a confirmation that it can be done because someone is already doing it. There must be a bigger market of hungry souls wanting this teaching. Maybe I should take the course. Get in the boat and take a ride on the very vehicle I thought was a hidden creation. I’m learning that it’s okay to not be the only or the first. So that’s the lesson in this (the word said with contempt still) course. Yeah, I’m still a bit jealous. Yes, people, I follow Jesus and have a negative human emotion of jealousy. Nicole is breaking one of the 10 Commandments right now. So here’s an opportunity to share a truth: Forgiveness is easily given. The hard part is learning how not to become a repeat offender. Like everything, it’s a process. So in continuing on my purpose journey, I will learn how this discovery, at only this moment in time, given all that has taken place in my heart the past 72 hours, will be a piece in my puzzle. The last minute get away which led to the happenstance discovery of a “wow, this author is in my head” kind of book, which led to the fanning of a rekindled flame, which led to taking in air a bit deeper and more magical with a constant slight smile, which led to – the course in the MTN catalog.

The frown and shaky anger is gone, replaced with – I wonder.

Back to my YMCA exercise schedule half open under the notebook I just beat up with a pencil.

Thanks for listening,
Nicole

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